The Problem with the Middle East

The Problem with the Middle East Current mood: contemplative Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
The Problem With the Middle East
By Leah Dunne
The problem with the Middle East is that it suffers from 'middle child syndrome.' Ancient and steeped in history as this part of the world may be, the problem lies within the name itself, 'Middle' East. It suffers from identity crisis. They are not a continent on their own, yet they're not European, they're not African, and although they are considered part of Asia, they are hardly Asian. They just don't know who they are! Poor souls. They're kind of like Central America, not quite North America and not quite South America. Confusingly enough, they're considered part of North America, although they're more like South Americans? At least they had the decency to call Central America 'Central' and not 'Middle' America! You don't see them terrorising other countries and starting wars with the world because they're confused about who they are! They are respecting enough to keep the fighting amongst themselves.
In researching this matter a little further, I found some interesting and coincidental people that were/are also middle children. Namely, Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden and Martha Stewart. Come on, the results speak for themselves! Mind you, there were plenty of other candidates I researched, but most of them turned out to be firstborns. That speaks for itself as well (bullies). Middle children all suffer from identity crisis, they're not the responsible (bully) eldest child, and they're not the free spirited (spoiled) youngest child. They are the monkey in the middle! These monkeys always feel they need to prove something to the world, make their mark. They start out going through a rebellious period to get attention, then they get a bit older and realise they are going to have to attain grandeur somehow to get that negative attention they so crave. They become tyrants to the weak and younger siblings, then they start invading their rooms or countries, the power goes to their head and they just start killing and bombing everyone. Well, Martha Stewart is a little more subtle and cunning about it, she baked cakes, did a mean ass grilled cheese and started some insider trading. All in all, you see the pattern here.
The question is: How do you deal with middle child syndrome? It's just as perplexing trying to deal with a middle child as it is a middle child part of the world. Everyone shaking their heads saying, 'What are we ever going to do with him/her?' Since I'm fresh out of Austrian nuns (that werent actually Austrian) to sing, 'How do you solve a problem like Maria' right now, I guess I'm going to have to come up with my own solution. Which, BTW, they never did 'solve' the problem of Maria, they just sent her off to get married to some militant type and left it up to him to solve her as a problem. Which, when you think about it, is not so dissimilar to the present situation in the 'Middle' East.
You see, not everyone in the 'Middle' East are middle children, just the problem few. It's hardly fair to punish so many others for the errant ways of the few. The best solution is usually to just ignore them. But if we ignore them, then we're leaving them to their own devices to pick on everyone. So, we round them up, spank them all, (spank in the 'Ow, that really hurts, Im gonna cry way', not spank in the 'Ohhh that hurts, do it again way') and send them all to 'time out' in Antarctica. Since we're dealing with a big crowd here, we're dealing with a bigger 'time out' time than say, 5 minutes. So, we'll have to make 'time out' more like 15 years. Yeah, I know they have words for these things like corporal punishment and exile. But, since were dealing with immature middle children here, we're going to do things like spanking (see above for exact kind of spanking) and time out. I know the poor people of Antarctica didn't do anything to deserve these bratty middle children being put on their continent for 'time out'. Since Antarctica is so big and the population so few, I figure we will be able to find a good, barren, populace less area to put them all in. they won't even know they're there.
While these problem middle children are gone, we'll be able to treat the poor people that have been tyrranised for years. We'll build them a 'Middle' East Disney and let them all have a free day to enjoy Mickey, Minnie, all the other characters and the rides . We'll make sure to make videos of this to send to the middle children in 'time out' in Antarctica and say , 'See, everyone else is having fun while you're gone! You were the problem all along!' After their 15 years are up, we'll do a little test run and see if they are fit to be part of the rest of the world again or not. If they aren't, we'll put them back in 'time out Antarctica' for another while. Don't feel bad for the middle children though, they'll have Martha Stewart with them, I'm sure she'll make a mean ass snow cone for them all. They just better hope when their re-evaluation comes up that Martha Stewart has to go back with them if they have to go back. Otherwise, they'll just be shit out of luck!
So that, boys and girls, is the problem with the 'Middle' East and my solution. Recapping: Middle children suffer identity crisis and start wars, so spank them (not in the enjoyable way) and send them to 'time out' in Antarctica (to eat Martha Stewart snow cones and hopefully get eaten by a polar bear).