The Kitty Pimp

The Kitty Pimp Current mood: crazy
We have 7 cats. Not a fact that I'm proud of, but, fact none the less. I do love cats, don't get me wrong.. I just don't love how easily and how often my little kitties become 'baby mommas'. I'll give a bit of a family tree here, try to stay with me.. It is relevant. Papillon (aka, Pappy) is the matriarch of this clan. She had four kittens last year, two of which we kept, (against my will), Monkey, and Peco. This year, Monkey had four kittens, Peco has had a total of 8 now (technically 10, but two died), that's two litters Peco has had now. So, from Monkey and Peco's first litters this year, we have PJ (Peco Junior) and Chipmunk. From Peco's second litter this year, we have 2 six week old kittens that I call Bobcat and Blacky. I tend to give very generic names to kitties I don't intend to keep. Although, back to the 7 cats thing.. I don't win that argument too often. So, in order of age, Pappy, Monkey, Peco, PJ, Chipmunk, Blacky and Bobcat.
Lately, Pappy, who is usually very good natured, and Monkey, who just lives up to her namesake, have become very bitchy. Monkey comes in the garden at feeding time and hisses and growls at everyone, taking bitchy swipes at them. Monkey won't eat with everyone anymore either, she has to eat on her own. I attributed this to Monkey's very independent nature. Normally rather loving and mental, she always got on with everyone, but was a very terrible mother. She's extremely selfish. Now, Pappy has become very bitchy lately as well, smacking everyone and letting out the odd growl at them. That's very uncharacteristic of her. Pappy is the one who took over Monkey's brood because Monkey couldn't be arsed to stick around long enough to take care of them. So, with Pappy being bitchy, it got me wondering.
You see, cats can have multiple partners as the father(s) of their litters. There could be 5 fathers to one litter of kittens born. Thing is, most of our kittens all turned out looking uncannily the same. I know exactly who the father of all these kitties is. Lotto Plus One (the name is a long story I won't get into here). That black little bollox of a tom knocks all my kitties up. Which made me start thinking... The bitchiness of Monkey and Pappy isn't necessarily unfounded. In fact, I realised that we have quite the episode of Jerry Springer going on in our back garden. Monkey's first litter, who's the daddy? Lotto Plus One! Peco's first litter, who's the daddy? Lotto Plus One! Peco's second litter, who's the daddy? Lotto Plus One! Even Pappy was riding him! So, here we have mother and two daughters all riding the same bloke and all 3 of them have been knocked up by him.. Peco, twice!
We have trailer trash right here in our back garden! I know, I know, you might be saying to yourself right now, 'Why don't you just get them fixed?' Who would want to get them fixed and miss out on all the drama!? Yes, they cost us a fortune in cat food, but it's a small price to pay for something better than cable telly right on your doorstep. I mean, we got them a cat house, but I didn't know it was literally going to be a CAT HOUSE! Nevermind smitten kitten, I'm feel like the Kitty Pimp! Who else could say as much for themselves?
Aside from all of that, Chipmunk has proven to be our shining star. She produced, what was once thought to be a mythical creature in our area. She caught a mouse! Now, I know, a cat catching a mouse, big deal! But, a cat catching a mouse in an area where cats are in abundance, 7 of which are ours.. Now THAT, is a big deal. She was delighted with herself too. In fact, they all had a go at playing with the mouse after it was dead. I'm sure it was the first time most of them had even seen one. But.. then came the mystery.
Trev was out smoking the other night, and he saw something white at the side of the house. He just assumed it was a bit of paper or something and left it at that. We're not strangers to the odd thing being in our back garden. Since there is nothing much of interest for our cats to catch, they bring back whatever they can. Pappy knows of a house that has endless barbeques because she is forever bringing barbeque chicken, chicken wings and hamburgers to our garden for everyone to share. Sometimes they bring rolls or hotdog buns, sometimes they are lucky enough to get the hotdog itself. Peco once brought a big pile of plain, stuck together spaghetti noodles. The other day there was corn on the cob out there. Maybe these things crossed Trevor's mind when he decided to investigate this white thing. Or maybe it was because PJ was keeping very close watch on it. Either way, Trev called me outside to witness his find... Lo and behold, it was a seagull. Mind you, it wasn't a full grown seagull, but a big enough seagull none the less.
It's worth noting here that our garden is totally enclosed by a 6 foot solid wood fence. Anything the cats bring into our garden, has to come via their mouths, as they carry it over the fence with them. It's also worth noting that we live about a quarter of a mile inland. Not to say that I've never seen seagulls flying overhead, but it's not often and they never come close, they're always high in the sky. So, the enigma remains, how did a dead seagull get into our garden?
Pappy has trouble getting over the fence, and she's partial to pre cooked things that have been discarded. Monkey just couldn't be arsed, she's too lazy and too selfish to bring something like that back to everyone else. Peco.. she might be able to get it over the fence, but again, Peco only ever really brought us spaghetti before. PJ, he's a big boy, but the seagull would still be too big for him, and he's very timid, not into the whole, 'wildlife' thing. Chipmunk.. she's our new mouser, but the seagull was the size of her, I don't see her catching it, let alone being able to bring it over the fence.. Especially since she's pretty new to the 'over the fence' thing and not too good at it yet. Bobcat and Blacky are totally ruled out cause they haven't even left the garden yet since they're tiny and only 6 weeks old (in case anyone is looking for a couple of kittens)... Trev pondered the seagull running into the window or the house and killing itself. But, if it had hit the window there would have been a mark. The house? I don't know, but it still doesn't seem likely since seagulls never actually come out of the sky when they go inland a bit...
I reckon, trailer trash and wiley as our kitties are, one of the girls sent it as a message to the other girls, to stay away from her man. 'He who messes with Lotto Plus One, will be sleeping with with the seagulls.' I'm sure they wanted to say, 'with the fishes', but let's face it, if they caught a fish, they'd eat it and as cats, they're more likely to catch a seagull over a fish. I imagine they had a little trampoline on the other side of the fence and stuck the seagull on it and made one of the little kitties jump from the fence onto the trampoline to propel the seagull over the fence into our garden. I'm sure they would have written a message with it if they could, 'Lotto Plus One is MINE bitches!' But it's so hard to write anything with little kitty paws without thumbs. Ah, poor souls, mystery solved!